20 Vintage Beauty Ads You Won't Believe

The "good old days" were filled with some pretty weird ways to market makeup.

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The "good old days" were filled with some pretty weird ways to market makeup.

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Scents for Sisters

In case you were wondering what nuns smell like, the answer is apparently "perfume, toilet powder, and soap." Sounds like an excellent addition to your fragrance collection.

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You Want Fries With That?

While the burger packaging is more than a little weird, it's also one of the cutest little contouring compacts we've ever seen — though it still begs the question: why?

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A Carnival for Your Shower

In the event you're taking a shower with not only your hair but also your makeup done, you could always slip on this massive plastic hood. It was probably as safe as putting a plastic bag over your head. (So, totally not safe.)

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But Wait — There's More!

The vintage beauty world wasn't satisfied with just one face-and-hair hood; there had to be two. This ad comes complete with a terrifying facial expression, yet the hood only costs a mere $1.19 — what a bargain!

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Hold Me, Darling

This might be the scariest photo we've ever seen of a couple dancing. No, really!

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Fresh Scent

It's nice when your hair smells great, but do you really want a guy burying his face and hands into your hair every time you wash it? We're gonna go with a hard "no."

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Purrrfect Lashes

Cats are always cute, but is "meow" what you want your lashes to say every time you bat your eyes?

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Busy Bottle

Is this an ad for a particularly strong perfume, or a work of poetic art? You decide.

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Puppy Dog Tails

All those people wasting their money on real human hair extensions — why not try a living puppy wig instead?

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Measuring Beauty

Though this photo is labeled "Max Factor beauty micrometer," we're pretty sure it's actually a torture device. On the bright side, the model seems eerily calm and her eyebrows are totally on point for the '30s.

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You Say Tomato

To be fair, the cutest of all produce is arguably the tomato. Mimicking its adorable color on your nails and lips might be just what you need to add some oomph to your beauty routine.

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Two Brushes

You know what they (definitely don't) say — two brushes are better than one!

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Wakeup Call

If anything'll get you up in the morning, it's the taste of whiskey on your toothbrush — though we can't imagine that wakeup call will be all that pleasant, per se.

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Magical Hair

Of course, hair loss was as much of a big deal in 1899. And the promises of "hair miracles" were just as alluring. Seriously, that before and after image is intense.

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Jackpot!

Sure, everyone likes their hair to smell good, especially when they're standing next to someone. But the cartoonish exclamation and maniacal look in her eyes is ever-so-slightly creepy.

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Rolling Along

Even just staring at this shoe too long is bound to give you a broken ankle.

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Too Good to Be True

But ... is it "this good"? We're pretty sure there were a lot of '70s hunks who did the "big hair, don't care" look a little better.

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Lipstick Grin

Something about the way this woman applies lipstick seems a little ... off.

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En Garde!

And you thought women's beauty products were the only ones getting in on the oh-so-weird action back in the day. This vintage mustache guard not only protected men's delicate facial hair from getting food on it, it also made them look absolutely terrifying.

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Stay Young Forever — Really

We're not even sure what this is an ad for, but it does have a sort of anti-aging appeal to it — as much as vampires drinking blood can, anyway.

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